Dear Mrs Clark...Thank you

Dear Mrs. Clark,

How do I begin to thank you for your unbelievable encouragment that you offered to me this evening. I was not planning to be there this evening but I believe God spoke to your heart, you responded and I was truly blessed because of your obeidance. It amazes me in all my disobediance and selfishness God continues to offer his majestic love and overwhelming grace. Two strangers met today and God used a moment to reach out to me through you. There is no limit or range to what God can do through a surrendered heart. Race, culture, age, or status are no obstacles with God...the only thing that matters to God is if we are willing to respond to the small still voice that speaks when he nudges. Mrs. Clark once again I thank you from the bottom of my heart because only God knows the state I was in this evening and God used you to get my attention. you truly are "Eighty years Young". I pray that God will bless you because of your obediance. I was truly impacted this evening and although I know you may never read this, I hope somehow, somewhere you know the extent of my thankfulness.

Thank you Mrs. Clark
Christina

Internal Conflict

The conflict that lies in my heart is often overwhelming. What I mean is the conflict over my own desires vs what I know i should want and desire. The conflict I believe lies in this. I have a strong desire to know what is going to transpire in my life. I hang on to that in an effort to try and control every possible outcome. Instead of living by faith, trusting without seeing and loving with confidence I get caught up in the details. Details are like little plagues in my life....they start small and then infect my thought process with questions of how and where?? A part of me is torn between trust in God or/and a life lived unsurrendered to God but surrendered to a society that adornes success at any cost, lives without accountabilty, loves until the next best thing comes along. The choice at first glance is obvious right? Running yet tired, thirsty yet won't drink...wounded from choices went wrong, the good that was never good enough and the wrongs that were never made right. The lures of this highly attractive world with all it's attractive people and attractive little toys are overwhelmingly alluring and tantalizing to all the senses...but none of it sustains. None of it can mend a broken relationship, cure an uncurable desease or provide peace. It simply hides...helps hide the truth of what lies beneath.

Confession of a Broken Heart

Renovations, transformation,dissapointments, denying of what i want. To emerge into the human being i was meant to be...a whole human being spiritually, emotionally, physically but most importantly the most authentically I can. This is my story...

I started this blog for two reasons. One, I love to write...anyone who know me knows that i love to write about everything. My thoughts, my thought proccess, my experiences, failures, and everything in between. The second reason is a more personal reason. I'm laying it all down...my pride and my image that I so carefully crafted to reflect a lie. In an attempt to open myself up to a world that i now approach differently based on my experience with sin and grace. I come with misconceptions I had of a fallen world and fallen humanity faced with only one reality. In humble reflection I view this all as a healing proccess that involves introspective probing into a heart (my heart) that drifted so far away from the only love that ever fufilled. Over the last year I have transformed into something and someone i thought I would never be. Open, wounded, tired and empty I come to the feet of my creator. Naked and bear with nothing to give but torn rags. Why is hindsight always more clear? Or what about retrospect? We've all heard the popular sayings, "in hindsight that was not smart" or "in retrospect, that could have been avoided." Well in retrospect I wish that hindsight came with 20/20 vison. As I reflect over the last year of my life and greive the consequences of the choices i made...I am moved to take a good, hard long look at myself in the mirror. Believe it or not the answers I have come up with has to do with just that. What you ask? Just that, the actual act of focusing on myself for far too long. What about me GOd? What about my Desires, my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my insecurities. What about my feelings? WHAT ABOUT MY FUTURE? For me the questions and doubts only brought about more and more questions, which turned into fears, which turned into doubt...which yes you guessed it turned me away from my creator...eyes turned from him and onto me. How could I control my fears, my axieties...My life is governed by my emotions and a carfefully crafted image that quickly did not stand the test of fire and has come crumbly down around me. My faith was like a country club membership...bear with me please. A country club requires memebership where you sign up for activites, socialize and essentially come together based on one common ground or interest. You have meetings, perks, good manners and more...all tied together in a neat little package. When confronted with the rawness of what my faith was but more importantly what my relationship to Christ was I was grieved. Grieved at my countryclub memebership to a religion....i thought i could ride on those wings forever. I had a conveient relationship with Christ based on what I was feeling rather than Truth. What he could do for me to make my life more pleasant, comfortable and fitting to my lifestyle. Faith...I did have faith, for others. I always believed God could do great things in and through a surrendered heart...just not mine. Many people would or could argue that I fell into sin. I didn't FALL...I Christina Parrillo walked into situtations that had danger signs everywhere...I just CHOSE that road and at every intersection I chose and continued choosing...fighting to prove that I had it all under control, all together. PLEASE LET ME DO IT MY WAY!!!!...he did.

Chris