Renovations, transformation,dissapointments, denying of what i want. To emerge into the human being i was meant to be...a whole human being spiritually, emotionally, physically but most importantly the most authentically I can. This is my story...
I started this blog for two reasons. One, I love to write...anyone who know me knows that i love to write about everything. My thoughts, my thought proccess, my experiences, failures, and everything in between. The second reason is a more personal reason. I'm laying it all down...my pride and my image that I so carefully crafted to reflect a lie. In an attempt to open myself up to a world that i now approach differently based on my experience with sin and grace. I come with misconceptions I had of a fallen world and fallen humanity faced with only one reality. In humble reflection I view this all as a healing proccess that involves introspective probing into a heart (my heart) that drifted so far away from the only love that ever fufilled. Over the last year I have transformed into something and someone i thought I would never be. Open, wounded, tired and empty I come to the feet of my creator. Naked and bear with nothing to give but torn rags. Why is hindsight always more clear? Or what about retrospect? We've all heard the popular sayings, "in hindsight that was not smart" or "in retrospect, that could have been avoided." Well in retrospect I wish that hindsight came with 20/20 vison. As I reflect over the last year of my life and greive the consequences of the choices i made...I am moved to take a good, hard long look at myself in the mirror. Believe it or not the answers I have come up with has to do with just that. What you ask? Just that, the actual act of focusing on myself for far too long. What about me GOd? What about my Desires, my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my insecurities. What about my feelings? WHAT ABOUT MY FUTURE? For me the questions and doubts only brought about more and more questions, which turned into fears, which turned into doubt...which yes you guessed it turned me away from my creator...eyes turned from him and onto me. How could I control my fears, my axieties...My life is governed by my emotions and a carfefully crafted image that quickly did not stand the test of fire and has come crumbly down around me. My faith was like a country club membership...bear with me please. A country club requires memebership where you sign up for activites, socialize and essentially come together based on one common ground or interest. You have meetings, perks, good manners and more...all tied together in a neat little package. When confronted with the rawness of what my faith was but more importantly what my relationship to Christ was I was grieved. Grieved at my countryclub memebership to a religion....i thought i could ride on those wings forever. I had a conveient relationship with Christ based on what I was feeling rather than Truth. What he could do for me to make my life more pleasant, comfortable and fitting to my lifestyle. Faith...I did have faith, for others. I always believed God could do great things in and through a surrendered heart...just not mine. Many people would or could argue that I fell into sin. I didn't FALL...I Christina Parrillo walked into situtations that had danger signs everywhere...I just CHOSE that road and at every intersection I chose and continued choosing...fighting to prove that I had it all under control, all together. PLEASE LET ME DO IT MY WAY!!!!...he did.
Chris
