Internal Conflict

The conflict that lies in my heart is often overwhelming. What I mean is the conflict over my own desires vs what I know i should want and desire. The conflict I believe lies in this. I have a strong desire to know what is going to transpire in my life. I hang on to that in an effort to try and control every possible outcome. Instead of living by faith, trusting without seeing and loving with confidence I get caught up in the details. Details are like little plagues in my life....they start small and then infect my thought process with questions of how and where?? A part of me is torn between trust in God or/and a life lived unsurrendered to God but surrendered to a society that adornes success at any cost, lives without accountabilty, loves until the next best thing comes along. The choice at first glance is obvious right? Running yet tired, thirsty yet won't drink...wounded from choices went wrong, the good that was never good enough and the wrongs that were never made right. The lures of this highly attractive world with all it's attractive people and attractive little toys are overwhelmingly alluring and tantalizing to all the senses...but none of it sustains. None of it can mend a broken relationship, cure an uncurable desease or provide peace. It simply hides...helps hide the truth of what lies beneath.